Heart of Snow: Cloud's Struggle
by YaoiPrincess
Summary: After Aerith's death, Cloud has withdrawn into himself and has fallen into depression. Who can help him find hope again? [shounen-ai]


Outside, the snow fell slowly. Small white flakes drifted down from the dark sky and fell to the ground, adding more to the feet of snow that had already landed. The town of Winter was covered in a thick white blanket of cold. 

Cloud Strife sat on a soft bed, arms around his knees, which were pulled up to his chest, shivering. The cold in this town was unbearable. As he stared gloomily out the window he watched as his breath fogged up the glass. With a shaky finger he drew swirls in the fogged up window pane. Then they slowly faded away, and he was left with a clear view of bright white again. 

It had been five days since they entered this town already. Cloud had been exhausted when they got here. So exhausted, in fact, that Vincent and Cid practically had to carry him the rest of the way. Cold, shock and grief had consumed Cloud and he had sunk deep into depression. For all five days he had sat in his room in the Inn, talking to no one, looking to no one. He never once came out of his room. He barely touched the meals that were brought in for him. 

The other party members had tried desperately to help him. Tifa had tried speaking with him a few times but got nothing. Barret had also tried and was unsuccessful. Yuffie even went in and tried putting her 'lady charm' on him but she failed. The others didn't even try. They knew that if Tifa and Barret, who were the two people Cloud knew the best out of the whole group, were unsuccessful then they themselves had no chance. 

Cloud stared out at the snow and watched a little girl sliding around on a snowboard. She was wearing a thick pink jacket and had brown hair tied back in a high ponytail. She was giggling as she slid down a small snow hill and for a split second, Cloud saw Aerith in her. 

He stared intently at the small girl, not wanting to look away. His gaze was locked on her as she slid down again and laughed. Her eyes weren't the same colour as Aerith's were, but they were just as bright. And then Cloud felt a sharp pang of guilt inside his chest. 

The memories came flooding into his mind. Images flashed before his eyes and a high pitched squealing noise filled his ears painfully. Wincing, he clutched at his head, which he hung between his knees. He was balled up in a tight not, wishing desperately that the memories and the pain would disappear. 

He was there again. He was standing in the Forgotten City, before that round platform Aerith had been kneeling on, praying. He was hopping across the stepping stones. With a thud he landed on the platform and stumbled towards her. Maybe this time he could do something, he thought desperately. Maybe this time it could be different. 

But how could this be different? It was just a memory. He was reliving it, but not in reality. His hope was replaced with despair as he felt himself being manipulated. Some outside force... It was overpowering his thoughts, knocking down the barriers of his mind so it could get in... 

He was drawing his sword now. With a gasp he tried to free himself from the icy grip of the force that was driving him but it was no use. He was lifting the sword slowly towards Aerith. He tried to rip from the invisible strings that were controlling him, but he was still unsuccessful. The sword was above his head now. He was ready to strike. Something inside his head was thumping loudly, smashing into the sides of his skull. His arms trembled and finally gave in to the force pushing the sword. He swung at Aerith, but then -- 

"Cloud!! What are you doing?!" 

Cloud recognised that voice. It was Vincent. 

"Dumb shit!!" 

...That was Cid. 

"Ugh!" With a groan Cloud dropped his sword and it landed with a loud clang on the ground before his feet. Aerith noticed the prescence of the others for the first time and slowly looked up. Time slowed almost to a stop for Cloud. Aerith's head rose, and her bright eyes met his. She began to smile, her hands still together in prayer... and then it happened. 

It was all in the space of around five seconds. Something large and dark entered Cloud's peripheral vision, and before he knew it Sephiroth had landed right behind Aerith, his shining black trenchcoat flapping in the air and his long silver hair falling lightly about his shoulders. He had shoved his sword - the Masamune - right through Aerith's stomach. 

Aerith's eyes widened in shocked surprise. Her arms fell down by her sides, her fingers splayed out in pain as blood splashed across the floor infront of her and dripped off the sword onto her pink dress. Her arms relaxed, lifeless, and her head lowered finally. Cloud watched all of this in disbelief, unable to move or speak. He heard Vincent and Cid cry out from the platform a few metres behind him, but he did not register in his mind what had happened. It was unreal. It was an illusion. 

Sephiroth was staring at him with glowing, cat-like eyes and a smirk upon his lips that made Cloud want to chop his head off. He slowly withdrew the Masamune from Aerith's body, and Cloud winced at the sickening sound of flesh being ripped. Aerith's body fell with a thud against the floor and her blood trickled out across the marble. 

All at once Cloud threw himself forward, kneeling beside Aerith's lifeless body and pulling her into his arms. 

"Aerith..." 

Nothing. 

"No.. This can't be real!" He stammered, voice shaking. He shook Aerith's body gently, but she did not respond. Cloud's heart was hammering wildly inside his chest. He thought it was going to explode. Then a cold voice penetrated Cloud's thoughts and his head snapped up so he could look at Sephiroth. 

"Do not worry. Soon the girl will become part of the Planet's energy. All that is left is to go North... The Promised Land waits for me over the snowy fields... There I will become a new being by uniting with the Planet... As will this girl..." He motioned towards Aerith. 

"...Shut up." Cloud was trembling; anger was rising in his voice. He bowed his head, staring in disbelief at Aerith's still face. "The cycle of nature and your stupid plan don't mean a thing." But this was a lie. He knew well that Sephiroth's plan meant the Planet and everything on it would die. But at the moment, this seemed like nothing compared to the death of his dear friend, who lay in his trembling arms. Something was gone from inside him. Something was now missing. Lost. 

More anger arose inside him when he heard Sephiroth chuckling quietly behind him. Cloud stared angrily at the silver-haired man with a heart of darkness. 

"Aerith is gone! Aerith will no longer talk, no longer laugh, cry... or get angry..." With this his voice cracked. "What about us... what are we supposed to do?!" He gently lowered her body onto the bloody floor and stared down at his hands as he crouched next to Aerith's body. "What is this pain?" He was trembling now. "My fingers are tingling. My mouth is dry. My eyes are burning!" With this he stood up and glared at his enemy. 

Sephiroth gave a malicious smile, showing bright white teeth. "What are you saying?" He asked mockingly. "Are you trying to tell me you have feelings too?" 

Cloud was angry. Red-hot rage was burning inside him. "Of course!! Who do you think I am?!" He yelled. 

Sephiroth began to laugh, a deep evil laugh that made Cloud's spine tingle. "Stop acting as if you are sad. There's no need to act as if you're angry either." 

He began to float, rising up into the air high above Cloud, who stared at him in shock and confusion. What was this man talking about? Pretending? Who was pretending? Sephiroth looked down at him and smiled sickeningly again. 

"Because, Cloud. You are..." 

He took off into the sky and disappeared. A burning light flooded Cloud's vision and he quickly covered his eyes with one arm. When the light subsided, Cloud lowered his arm and frantically searched the area around him with his bright green eyes. He was confused. Why hadn't Sephiroth finished what he was saying? 

Suddenly there was a splitting pain in his head, and a voice whispered in his ear. No. It was inside his head, echoing inside his mind. 

"Because, you are... a puppet." 

Cloud suddenly began to shiver. He was staring blankly at the snow beyond the window. The little girl was gone. He was back in his cold Inn room. The sky overhead was much darker now. It must have been late evening. How long had he been reliving the events of five days ago? 

With a shudder, he thought about that last voice that had spoken inside his head after Sephiroth flew off that day... What had it meant by 'puppet'? What did it mean? 

He brought his gloved hands up to clutch at his head again, squeezing his eyes shut and groaning. "Aerith... Why, Aerith? What does it mean? Why did you go and face Sephiroth alone? Why, why didn't you wait...?" He lowered his head and fell silent. Guilt overcame him and he felt as though he did not have the right to live. He had been too late to save her life. Now she was gone, and she was never coming back. 

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. It was gentle and quiet, but it was enough to make Cloud jump. He was edgy. "Come... come in," He croaked. 

Someone's head appeared from around the other side of the large door. Long black hair flowing like an obsidian waterfall around his shoulders and a dark red bandana around his head... It was Vincent. 

"Cloud? How are you feeling?" Vincent asked, entering the room and quietly closing the door. Cloud slid away from the window and put the covers of the bed over himself. He was cold. Looking around the room he noticed for the first time how dark it had got. Vincent saw this and switched on the light. Cloud automatically winced as the bright light flooded the room and he was momentarily brought back to when Sephiroth had flown off, releasing a blinding light. 

"Ahh! Stop it!" Cloud cried, throwing his arms up, and Vincent jumped. 

"What's wrong?!" 

"The light-- the light!!" 

"Cloud-- get a hold of yourself!" Vincent cried, and grabbed Cloud firmly by the arms. "It's just light - coming from that lightbulb up on the ceiling," 

Cloud stopped, and calmed himself down with deep breaths. He slowly looked around the room... everything was how it was before... there was no altar, no marble platforms, no stepping stones... no Aerith, no Sephiroth... just him and Vincent. Nice, quiet, good Vincent. 

"Are you okay?" Vincent asked once Cloud was calm. Cloud only nodded, then looked towards the window. There was silence for a few minutes, and then Cloud spoke, quietly and gloomily. 

"Aerith..." 

Vincent looked at him. 

"Aerith would have been playing out in that snow today. She would have been throwing snowballs at people. Maybe at me. And she would giggle, and throw more, and be happy, despite all that's happening in the world right now." 

"Cloud..." Vincent began. Cloud went on. 

"And right now, we would probably all be out in the inn's lounge, having hot chocolate and sitting around the fire... and she would be talking away to us all, happily, as if nothing bad was happening. And if any of us brought up the subject of Sephiroth or the Planet, she would reassure us and tell us it would all be okay in the end. That's how she was. She was so optimistic. She helped me make it." 

Vincent continued to watch Cloud sympathetically with his dark eyes shining in the room's bright light. 

"She's gone... and it's my fault." 

"Cloud, it's not your fault," Vincent said quietly. "It was never your fault." 

Cloud lowered his face into his hands, feeling stressed and depressed. "Vincent.. Why did you come in here?" Cloud sounded so pitiful that Vincent could hardly believe it was him. What was going on inside this young man's head? 

"I came in, because..." Vincent paused for a moment. "Because I am worried. We all are." 

"Aren't you all grieving too? Why aren't you grieving? Aerith deserves it," Cloud stated, gazing up at his tall friend. 

"We grieved. We all feel the loss inside of us... there's an empty space there now that Aerith used to fill," Vincent replied, choosing his words carefully. "But we have to pull through this. We can't grieve forever." 

"Leave me alone. Please, Vincent." Cloud pleaded, staring into the other man's eyes intensely. "I want to be alone here." 

Vincent sighed, looking sympathetic. "You can't go on like this, Cloud. We're worried about you. We cannot stay here in Winter for much longer. There is a crisis for the Planet, you know that. We must defeat Sephiroth." 

Cloud's eyes flashed with sudden anger. 

"Sephiroth... I'll defeat him." Cloud whispered. 

Vincent was given the chance he needed, and wisely he took it. "Yes, Sephiroth is the one who murdered Aerith. He has murdered so many people, don't you want to put a stop to it?" 

There was a pause for a few moments. "I... do." Cloud finally said, in a quiet and calm voice. "But..." And then in his voice rose the sound of desperation, the sound of panic, the sound of fear. "But I can't control myself whenever Sephiroth is around. I can't help myself. He gets me. He always gets me." He hung his head again so Vincent couldn't see his face. He once again pulled his knees up to his chest and sat in a tight ball, hugging himself. "I'm... I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Vincent." 

There was such urgency in the voice of this man - just a boy, really - that it compelled Vincent to sit down on the bed next to him and place an unsure hand on his shoulder in comfort. A sudden feeling of sympathy rushed through him and he was fearful for his friend's wellbeing. 

"Don't be afraid." Vincent whispered, and when Cloud lifted his head to look into Vincent's blood-red eyes he saw they were burning like fire. "You shouldn't run from your problems, Cloud. You're better than that. I know you are. And Aerith would have wanted you not to grieve for her passing, but to use it as motivation to defeat Sephiroth and put an end to the Planet's crisis once and for all." 

"Aerith... would have wanted it..." Cloud whispered, more to himself than to Vincent. 

Vincent nodded. "Aerith wanted nothing more than to defeat Sephiroth so that the Planet would be safe. She loved the Planet and everything on it. We don't know why she was in the City of Ancients, or why she was praying on the alter, but I'm pretty sure she was trying to help the Planet in some way." He explained. 

"This is the most you've ever said to me," Cloud stated quietly, with a solemn face. Vincent blinked, but said nothing. This was not an uncommon reaction, Cloud noticed. Vincent was the quietest member of the entire resistance group. "Why are you suddenly so talkative to me?" 

Vincent looked away at something in the darkness on the other side of the room. "I'm worried." He stated simply. "Everyone is. You're not yourself. We know you've been through some terrible things. But if you... if you remain like this, you're going to... you'll go insane. You have to try to move on. Think about other things." 

"What? And just forget Aerith?" Cloud said, almost in outrage. Vincent could feel the slight edgyness in his voice. 

"No, that's not what I meant." He replied quickly. 

Cloud closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. "I know." He sighed. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm... so strange. Inside my head. I'm so confused right now. I need someone, but I feel so empty." 

There was silence. Vincent glanced at Cloud just as he opened his eyes again, and their gazes locked. Vincent couldn't pull his eyes away. It was as if Cloud's mako eyes had thrown an invisible lasso around him and he couldn't break free. 

"I can be there for you. If, if you need someone to lean on, that is." Vincent stammered, wondering what he was saying. He had felt compelled to come and talk to Cloud earlier, but he never thought it would end up like this. 

Suddenly he felt a hand touch his own. Cloud's fingers were wrapped around his pale hand firmly, as if he were suddenly afraid to let go and lose another friend. 

"Vincent..." Cloud whispered. He slowly moved forward and leaned gently into Vincent's chest, hugging him warmly and closing his eyes. Vincent felt his heart give a funny little jump inside his chest, and looked down at the blonde haired youth leaning into him. Cloud's arms were wrapped around Vincent's waist firmly and Vincent found it strangely comforting. He hoped Cloud was feeling the same way too, because he was the one who really needed the comforting right now. A nice feeling swelled in his stomach and he smiled gently. 

He shifted slightly. "I should go," he whispered. 

"No - please stay with me," Cloud mumbled into Vincent's clothes. "I need someone here with me. I want that to be you," 

Vincent sighed deeply and lowered his head slightly, kissing Cloud's hair tenderly. When Cloud felt this his face started to burn and he lifted his head to gaze up into Vincent's deep red eyes. He almost lost himself inside of them. Then Vincent calmly leaned down and pressed his lips to Cloud's. 

It was a gentle kiss that only lasted a few moments. When Cloud had opened his eyes again, he felt butterflies flutter around in his stomach and he simply stared at Vincent in surprise. Vincent smiled, and for the first time in five days, Cloud did too. 

"Thankyou, Vincent..." Cloud breathed. 

Vincent simply smiled. "You're almost ready to pursue Sephiroth again, then?" He asked in a whisper. 

"I can try," Cloud replied, swallowing thickly. "I don't know if I will succeed, but... but I will try my hardest. For Aerith." 

"For Aerith." Vincent agreed, smiling softly. 


End file.
